Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
