So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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