Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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