I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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