Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
