My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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