We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
this hospital has no fireball
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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