I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
