shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
