I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
