Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
