i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
