So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
