I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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