So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
