Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
50% drunk capacity currently
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
