So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize