I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
