Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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