I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
