Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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