I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
being pregnant is like rehab
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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