every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I understand Curling. That high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
