I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
