I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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