i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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