someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
