This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
