you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
