rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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