Swine flu. Run for my life!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
