i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
