Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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