He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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