Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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