When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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