Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You are the jesus of drinking
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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