he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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