Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
