I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
