I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
