Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
not ubering you a puppy
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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