I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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