I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
