Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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