airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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