When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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