So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize