only if we run a train.
done.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
