i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
