If that was your dad, he is hot
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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