I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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