I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize