Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
