drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I lost the right to judge tonight
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
