Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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